Tag: self-care

  • The New Hot Girl Summer

    The New Hot Girl Summer

    As fall approaches, I’m reflecting on the rave otherwise known as Summer. It’s been a season of record-breaking global heatwaves, full-powered megastar world tours, and a mass return to “outside.” Hot Girl Summer — the femme-centered rallying call to play, do what we want, and care for our overall well-being — skyrocketed. However, even as temperatures continue to surge, the jovial energy slowly wanes as we prepare trade swimsuits for sweaters and take our wanderlust to the Great Indoors.

    I’ve been in deep thought about what lessons this much, much hotter than normal summer has brought me. How has it deepened my relationship to my own self-care? How can I carry those lessons forward in the coming months? If we’re able to keep Hot Girl Summer energy flowing, we can build practices that not only make us feel our best and freest during one season, but year-round, too.

    What can be said about the way summer makes the soul feel?

    Warmth, laughter, and adventure are the persistent themes of this mid-year pause. It’s when the world takes a break from learning, working, and so much doing to put our best foot forward in organizing, planning, and manifesting fun. For many, summer provides a short reprieve from everyday life, but the sun and fun doesn’t have to end there. We can be intentional in our reflections of the past summer. Then, we can use what we glean to summon fiery and energetic vibes that suit our mind, body, and spirit. As we bundle up and embrace the coziness of autumn, we can still find ways to get sun on our faces even if only for a short while. 

    Ask: How can we commit to letting joy and relaxation be our compass when our bodies want stillness, comfort, and solitude? There’s a seam we can find in those conversations with ourselves. We can commit ourselves to not just a “summer body” but to whatever body supports us best for the dreams and work we’re carrying forward in any time of year. I’m thinking about planning beach trips abroad when it’s anything but warm at home (virtual or video game counts, too). We can intuit ways to inject lightheartedness and play in our everyday. Especially so, on dreary days when we could use a little cheer. If summer feels good to you in any way, it’s beneficial to get into the details of what elements you love and plant them in as many aspects of life as possible.

    Chasing the Sunnier Thoughts

    The heat of this summer inspired thoughts around what it means to be on a planet that’s slowly but surely warming up. As Earth’s cycles and weather patterns change, I think creatively and holistically about what it means to establish personal and sustainable life cycles for ourselves, our community, and global well-being. Summer is when we bask in the beauty of this place we call home, admiring the verdant landscapes, the clear blue of the ocean, and fiery orange sunsets. How much more can we deepen our gratitude for the grays and cool pastels of fall and winter? What does caring for the planet and ourselves look like while indoors? 

    I’m journaling to see what ideas come forward. The shiniest nuggets of my reflections came to me while sitting in my backyard on the slightly cooler days. (Can the mid-90s be considered cool?) In them emerged my new mantras and how I plan to embody Hot Girl Summer long after the days get shorter:

    • Plant the seeds of new experiences throughout the year. 
    • I can find the sun even when I can’t see it. (Reminder to myself when SAD kicks in hard.) 
    • I wear white whenever I want!  
    • Energy is all around me.
    • Baddie season is forever.
    • Resting IS fun. 
    • …and the list goes on…

    As we take our books and mags from poolside to fireside, let’s not leave our penchant for glee in the sand. Keep vitality. Keep merrymaking. Bring the best parts of summer with you always. Stretch the party out for as long as you can, extending the magic of summer wherever you need it most. 

    Credit: Jed Villejo

    In all seasons, we can embrace the mundanity of every day, relish in it, and sprinkle sun and vibrancy into it where it may appear dull. 

    We may trade our flirty cocktails for toddies and teas, but it doesn’t mean the time for fun and taking the best care of ourselves is ending. Each season change only marks a new beginning; one we can always be ready for when we approach it with curiosity and intention. 

    If Hot Girl Summer is merely the loud-but-unbothered cue to double-down on the self-care practices that make us feel like ThatGirl when we step out for a night we won’t forget; then nothing is stopping us from keeping that same energy throughout the entire year. From that viewpoint, a Hot Girl Summer never really ends.

    Header: Tahiti Spears

  • Death to Positive Vibes

    Death to Positive Vibes

    Not gonna lie: I’m not always the most positive person. Sometimes I want to be spreading nothing but positivity, but sometimes my actual vibes just won’t allow it. I’m a person who regularly retreats to myself when the going gets tough, only seeking refuge or escape on my Instagram or Twitter feed, which typically matches my moods on bad days: indifferent, dark, melancholy, or just downright terrible. Don’t get me wrong! I have the highest highs — strings of carefree days that go smoothly (not perfectly, but not total train wrecks either), and weeks of just plugging along, surviving despite the impending doom of, well, everything. These times are the most awesome and my most cherished. A bitch loves being happy.

    In my current season, I’m witnessing a push to take permanent residence in these waves of positivity. “Positive Vibes Only” can be seen on every other social media bio, caption, or hipster tee. It’s a movement set on dispelling all things bad and drawing in all the good. Drama-free. Manifesting the highest good. Affirming your desired state of being… 

    And I kinda think it’s all bullshit.

    Let me pause to say that I believe in the power of positive affirmations! As a person that battles negative self-talk, having a pocket full of positive mantras can be really helpful in lifting my mood and focus on especially tough days. But I’m not constantly in a positive space, and I invite the idea/concept that the occasional “negative” vibe is OKAY. The expectation of maintaining constant cool and smiling from within at every given moment is denying people the right to a full spectrum of some very valid emotions.

    Photo by Valeriia Bugaiova

    So, where’s the reasonable balance for someone who wants to keep a positive outlook but not repress any righteous rage in the face of all of life’s wrongs?

    Firstly, be rational and realistic. 

    We need to dead the notion that we attract bad outcomes to ourselves — especially when the outcomes are the result of racism, sexism, misogyny, xenophobia, and the like. I really ignore all of the positivity pushers that fail to acknowledge the existence of oppressions, or worse, pretend they’re all fashioned exclusively in the mind of the individual giving voice to the ways oppression makes life suck. These systems don’t and won’t bend to our mantras or our efforts to ignore their impacts. While a positive outlook may make us feel better in response to injustice, it does nothing to change material realities and it’s dishonest to assert that “positivity” is any type of solution. Choosing not to smile through being wronged is a valid response.

    Secondly, understand that anger and sadness are not “bad” or negative emotions. 

    They exist on a wide spectrum of emotions that are necessary and available to all of us. The false dichotomy of good and bad with regard to actual emotions suppresses our ability to live fully and authentically and reduces the likelihood that we are dealing with our moods well at all. Focusing on our conscious or subconscious reactions to feelings of rage or despair will have better yields than scaling the impossible mountain of “be positive all the time.” How do you treat others when you feel rage? How do you treat yourself when you are sad? The emotion itself isn’t problematic but the response to it may be if it harms someone undeserving (yourself included). Leave room to sit with all of your emotions without sorting them as good or bad and decide for yourself what the appropriate reaction looks like.

    Lastly, replace your desire for fleeting notions of positivity with a fervent hunt for joy. 

    Seek out the things that bring you bliss. Though the barriers are many, I hope we have time, space, and resources we need to be in touch with the things that make us smile in our hearts. For me, it’s wine or a good book. Or doing nothing! Knowing your dog is at home waiting for you isn’t going to make the microaggressions you encounter at work more bearable or disappear, but it does give you something to look forward to. It’s possible with help (medicine, therapy, support systems, etc.) and practice to acknowledge the things that flat out SUCK, and still find things that make you happy. In fact, I think it’s necessary to surviving this place. No one will be happy all of the time. Finding the things that make you happy can help to ensure you experience some joy in your life. You deserve, boo.

    Photo by Clay Banks

    In all, there’s nothing wrong with trying to find the silver lining in every twist and turn of your personal story. I admire the dedication of those seeking to be their highest, most positive self as much as possible. But sometimes this position and rhetoric around it crosses the line into being not only unrealistic and inauthentic, but in being ableist and unhealthy as well. “Positive Vibes Only” is an uninspiring altar call for swindlers and robots, and I think it’s best for folks to unsubscribe. You can be conscious of the energy you expend (maybe a Facebook live rant isn’t good energy use) but you’re allowed to feel. Take up journaling. Cry. Call a friend that has the capacity to listen and be compassionate in that moment. Do some CRYING. Take a long walk. Find somewhere to scream. C R Y. Just know you don’t have to be positive in the face of all the negativity that abounds, and I support the right to access every single emotion.

    Keep being human.

    Cover Image: Allie Smith

  • Intentional Living Is More than a Temporary Trend

    Intentional Living Is More than a Temporary Trend

    In the last days of winter with the beginning of spring on the horizon, how are you feeling?

    As leaves start to slowly fill branches and bushes, the renewed cycle of seasons comes with the checkpoint marking a year since we all had to put our lives on hold with extreme caution at the forefront. Without rehashing the story we’ve been and are still living through, it’s safe to say it’s been a rough year across the board. Riding waves of ups and downs with an undercurrent of constant distress is taxing on our well-being; and it’s fine to admit that. We should admit to that.

    It’s okay to not be okay, and once that’s acknowledged,
    we can do the work to navigate through it.

    We found ways to cope and live on, whether it was diving deeper into work, playing hours of Animal Crossing; thriving on social media, or doing absolutely nothing but make sure we were as safe as possible. These are all choices, signs that through it all we’re preserving at least some of the agency we have over ourselves; even while facing many situations that feel so far out of our control. You might feel pressured to be productive, but productivity is a tool of intentional living, not its driving force. Rest counts, too.

    Photo by Ross Sneddon

    When we were in planning stages at the end of last year, the word intentional kept coming up. So, we decided it was the perfect term to carry with us in 2021 as we attempt to reach — if not a sense of “normalcy” (whatever that looks like) — then at the very least some better grip on our next moves. That’s where implementing a practice of intentional living comes in; and we don’t take that lightly. All the choices we’ve been making to simply get by have been intentional; so rather than write it off as a new age trend or feel guilty about taking care of yourself, really embrace it. Chances are you’ve been living intentionally anyway; it’s just another extension of self-love and self-care.

    “Intentional living means understanding your fundamental beliefs and values and then actively living your life in line with those values.”

    — “What It Means To Live Your Life With Intention,” The Good Trade

    Living intentionally helps to keep us from checking out. It also encourages us to stay connected to ourselves and learn more about who we are at our roots. If there’s something we can certainly use after a year of events happening to us, it’s taking an active role in our lives and making decisions for ourselves.

    intentional living - blowing confetti
    Photo by Hugo Ruiz

    — 3 STEPS TOWARD INTENTIONAL LIVING —

    Ask yourself questions and don’t be afraid to answer

    If you haven’t already made a habit of living intentionally, change can be scary. We’re evolving people. What suited us in the past may no longer serve us in the present; which applies to everything from certain flavors we find appealing to how we interact with others and how we’re treated. When facing the crossroads of whether or not you want something in your life, ask if it aligns with the person you are today and who you’d like to be in the future — instead of who you were yesterday. You just might find out a surprising fact about yourself, such as your favorite color changing from red to green. You won’t know until you ask without shying away from it. 

    Dare to say no

    We tend to play up the act of saying yes to experiences, but saying no is just as important. It establishes boundaries. If someone offers you a hamburger because you used to like them so much, but now you’re a vegetarian, you aren’t going to accept it, right? If the taste doesn’t sit well on your palate, don’t even put it in your mouth. Say no when necessary. And if your no happens to change to a maybe or even a yes at a later date, you have the authority to make that call yourself.

    Give yourself permission to live the life you want

    So many factors come into play when we’re curating our lives. Giving yourself permission to “live as you choose” could sound a lot like shutting everyone else out to strike out on your own; however, that’s simply not the case. We live our own lives, but we aren’t the only component of it. If the life you want means jetting off on your own with no one to answer to, you’re allowed to have that. If the life you want means settling down with other people and being a caretaker or being the one taken care of, you’re allowed to have that, too.

    Remember that the state of being is not a singular thing. We’re constantly changing, and life is constantly evolving. Don’t fear transformation. Adapt and keep moving forward. There’s no turning back now.

    Are you curating a life with intention? What helps you to live intentionally?

    Header: DESIGNECOLOGIST

  • Black Woman Living: Navigating An Uncaring World

    Black Woman Living: Navigating An Uncaring World

    Searching for joy feels like an act of defiance in a world that would rather I, and other women like me, have none. That choice to choose happiness above everything else is the impetus behind our Find the Fun theme this year and the reason we’re still here pushing through all the murk that is 2020 — and for me personally, the last ten years of my life. 

    The Black Woman’s Lament™  is a song that’s been wailed from the fringes of society for generations. Living is hard and there are rarely easy answers to the many problems we face, especially when those problems are created and perpetuated by a system that gathers its strength from our submission and pain. Being weary is a part of the story; it’s not the whole story nor is it the part that we want our lives defined by. Fannie Lou Hamer famously said, “I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Me too, Ms. Fannie. There hasn’t been a better way to sum it up since 1964. 

    Black Woman Living
    Photo by Jessica Felicio

    It’s hard to love, to be free, to sleep.

    Luckily, my community saves me every single day. We check on each other asking “Sis, are you okay, really?” both knowing we’re not, but we’re trying anyway. Admitting we don’t feel strong and want to shrink away from the duties we have to be friends, lovers, sister, daughters, activists. We shout for the right to simply exist. 

    There is no true place of peace on this planet for a Black woman. Often I fantasize about what it would be like if the world didn’t actively work to harm us: to be able to sleep peacefully in our beds at night and know we won’t be killed by state sanctioned violence, to embrace our true selves when we were born in the wrong body and not be murdered (and forgotten for it), to give birth and know our fears and concerns will be addressed without hesitation, to refuse to uphold a white supremacist standard of beauty and not be demonized for it. 

    I have a Pinterest board titled Unbothered which serves as the entry to a fantasy world of Black women living at peace, smiling, and doing mundane things. That’s a tiny illustration of how much I long for us to be left alone. Being free to do whatever is enough of a fantasy to warrant a mood board about it. Damn. Y’all. That’s — I’m not asking for much! Yet, I sit here in this reality knowing that moments like that are fleeting.

    Black Woman Living
    Photo by Guilherme Stecanella

    If I have to escape for a while in my imagined world for some respite, I do so unashamedly.

    I put on some good records, maybe cook up a delicious meal, have a soak in the tub,  play in my hair, or watch Black Cinderella (I have the DVD but you can watch it here) for the 900th time. It may sound like your run-of-the-mill self care day, but for me it’s much deeper than that. I’m going to be happy whether the world likes it or not, damn it.

    It may not be enough and I find it difficult to give advice when I’m still figuring this out for myself; but if you can find some spot of peace, embrace it with everything you’ve got. Look into therapy if you haven’t already. Therapy For Black Girls has an incredible network of providers and a bomb podcast too. Forgive yourself for not always feeling up to the challenge to take on the world. Give yourself grace when you fall short of your own expectations. And finally, love yourself deeply and with all the wild abandon you can muster.

    Because music can communicate things that are otherwise hard to say, here’s a Spotify playlist for you. It’s all Black women from a range of eras and music genres that I think are worth a listen. Put it on when you want to feel free and easy. Tell us what songs you’d like or what songs you’d like to add in the comments. 

    I see you, sis. Are you okay? Really?

    Header: Ian Kiragu